months passed... weird somethings can actually drag for that long.. we decided to end it.. end all the contacts that we might have.. all for what she said... theres no love... we ended it on the 7th.. went malaysia with some friends yesterday,.. came back shag and tired.. for the past 8 hours on bed, i dreamt of her 3 times.... 3 tme i woke up saying.. "wtf" i though i think too much.. gosh 3 times in 3 different dreams... but right now i cant really remember what dreams were they abt... have i been really missing her tat much? or is it just dreams? cant really decipher dreams...

on and off these months, we met for babies sake, but to me, i felt like i am meeting her using baby as an excuse...so many things i cant let go.. i guess i just have to learn how to... from holland v's chocolate, marriage, ring, watches, cable car, house, cake, baby, oh my.. been through so much... so much tat it still hurts like fark..

yes i miss her... miss her so much.. but i guess i just have to move on with life.. i have enough problems in life alr.. she looks happy with her current life, then i think i should be wishing her the best in life... theres nothing i can do anymore.. just get on with life.. baby, daddy is sorry.. daddy cant be there for you anymore.. darling, thk you for the years... hope tat you lead your life with better future...




oh great... went to meet her at JP, end up? just went to eat and we start to quarrel.. she told me that she is having aches, fever coming... whenever i am not around, shes bound to be on the phone... returning miss calls? picking up calls? why not when i am around? how am i suppose to think? god damn it.. well dun ask me out if she has something else to do, or if shes doesnt have the mood! this is really crap.. tot todays gonna be good...

feel like going to holiday myself... go take a break and relax... i think i should.. and i deserve it... all i need now is to cover most of my cases and i shall go thailand for a break... its cheap, relaxing, and best of all, been there a few times alr.. should be able to know the place there.. thinking of going the seasides.. wonder what climate is it now... hope that it is cool... my life is so tiring... everyday is tiring.. i shouldnt bother all these anymore.. for now...




eating my lunch box from her..... was so pissed yesterday, so disappointed... yet... a lunch box melted my heart.... i think i am just being impatient..... well just hope that tomorrow will be a better day... i am just so in love with her..... i really dun know what to think or what to do... just hope that tonight is a better night....




fuck.. all this crap is really bothering me.... trust issue... she dun trust me, well i accept that since i tried to go into her private stuffs... and fuck, i dun trust her cause she never love me and worst, love someone else.. so now the password stuffs are still around from her, heres mine... never try going into my private life from now damnit... what the fuck is wrong with this relationship? i was hurt and i am still giving in and i still get nothing? can see that she is trying to love me.. but thats trying to love me! thats not loving me! this whole shit is really driving me nuts... i cant sleep well, cant talk properly, cant even sound out my views! shouldnt she be trying to do something to make me feel secure? so i thought, what does she have to do to make me feel secure? i kept thinking, all i need is the facking password stuffs to be away, and show more love everyday! but too bad.. this only happens when she really loves me.. not when she is trying to love me... why do i have to be in such a fucked up relationship? i should have known better never to fall in love.. i always tot that all i never did in all my previous relationship was to commit more then i should.. i commited so much in this but yet??? all i get is this fucked up situation.. hug her and i get pushed away.. cover blanket for her and it gets kicked off immediately.. touch her and it makes me feel like i am a desparate! damn it.. all i want is love! her phone is always hiding away from me, her passwords are never there... how to live like that? how to make things better? she said she is trying, damn it! try what? try to forget her ex? says that he is not the issue, then what? we are the issue now? great! she got it right! we are the issue! she doesnt love me and i need love from her and thats the bloody damn issue! see the way she loves baby, thats love for chirst sake! do i get it? not even a tiny bit of it!i have my needs, i have my wants in a relationship... does she even try to accomodate with me? NO! she still want things her way! great.. whats my life like now? its like a piece of shit! not even worth smelling! i have to bloody think how much i can use, cause i got one huge bloody debt to pay, i am not complaining.. i just need warmth! i need to hit my sales target, i need to be home for her, i need to take care of the dog, i need to earn enough to just keep this suck ass "family" living! she calls this a family? i call this a piece of crap! let her change all her passwords all she wants, let her lie all she wants, let her talk to her ex-bf all she wants, let her go drink all she wants! tell me that she not the one who has the decision? i am not the one with the decision.. i am just the pawn in this whole damn game... the goddamn fucking pawn.... fuck this world... i hated living before she came... she came and made the world beautiful, now she made me hate living even more! if that the philosophy of life, then fuck you life... i never asked to be born.. i rather not live then to be a living dead... i cant die, i cant live.. thats my life now! soon it will be better... it will...




well, she came back yesterday... seems peaceful, but not what i expected.... nothing changes... i think i have to take it as nothing happen... can i do it? shouldnt one ask for forgiveness for a mistake made? a small one is ok.. but such a grave one, how am i suppose to feel at ease? she says its not her choice to decide now, so it means its up to me? oh my god... what the hell.... well i expect her to at least show more love... maybe time is what i need to see... i dun know how long will i last... this is really getting me sick.... the thoughts, the feeling, what am i suppose to think? i cant think or assume and she doesnt want to do anything as well... she just said, got no decision... she then said i am still loving you am i not.. i need more for goodness sake... show more of it, put in more effort! ya ya... i know... time... i seriously doubt anything will change.. if one doesnt even try to do good from start, how could it be better after time? it will only bypass and nothing better will come... its making me give up.. i dun know if i should or not... i love her deep yes, she hurt me deep yes, but most importantly, i need to feel secure in the relationship.. in terms of feeling it, i think i dun have enough.. this damn thing is driving me crazy... sick.. i am so damn sick...




ah great day today... met with new bankers, need follow ups, planned things to do for this week... but well... the hurt still comes when its late... somehow, everytime i felt the pain, it makes me think crazy stuff...

no one will know how painful is it... whats the point telling? whats the point saying it? all she feels is me being irritating, me pushing her for an answer... blah blah... sometimes i really hate her... not for her loving him still, well, maybe a little... but more on how can a mother be so illresposible for the family, for the child? shes too young? ya maybe... shes too young to be a mother... think abt it.. shes just 21... if she were to lay her life for you, how long more has she got to take? well say abt another 50 years? gosh..... i see the life for us for the next 50yrs, but i guess she doesnt... shes just too young i guess... shes not even certain who she loves... maybe i am one of a kind, but i dun see how u can love 2 person at one time... all i see is, she loves him, but she is grateful for my love for her... well... at least we went through times together before... damn it... i tot i can control my emotions... guess not.. keep thinking about her.... miss the days when we are so happy together.. go shopping, play cards, drinking at home, plan for the future... one stab of hers and its all gone.... just so easily... go much pains i had to go through building this family up.... not even done halfway, its gone... my heart is shattered..... really shattered... God, give me one good reason to survive... a miracle... thats what God is asking me to wait.... i dun have the confidence that it will happen... i really have no confidence at all.... i wanted a wife to hug me, cry out with me with her problems, love me with all her heart, keep asking for hugs and love from me, be gentle to my love,run up to me giving me surprises, kiss me and be shy abt it, hug me whe she feels happy or when she feels loved, take care of our house, keeping it clean and tidy and warmth while waiting for me, putting her husband's photo everywhere so that she can see him, putting the family photo everywhere so that she remembers the happy moments... all i see is her own photos.... i am too ugly in her heart, or i am not even in it.... wasnt that every girls dream? to have a husband who works and keep the family going, a husband who loves the family, a husband who kiss and show love all the time, a husband who comes home early for the family, a husband who doesnt go out late nights having fun, a husband who puts the family at the first piority? maybe i am wrong... thats a woman's dream... not a girl's dream... its so hurting just thinking abt all these... i am too impatient... if i wouldnt have married her, i wouldnt have destroyed her... she could have gone back to him and be happy about it... i create this whole damn mess.... all that is stopping me from going up there again to try to jump, is the miracle... i hope it does hold me long enough till time has smoothen everything.... damn... how long will i last? i need something else... should i go back to drugs? hmmm sounds tempting... its moves my days better.... and its better then liqour... hmm but its damaging... might as well die... i didnt know i could love someone that deep.... i lost it... i lost the control... bring me to a place with no love... the pain can be sufforcating... someone, help me.........




i am changing.... not a change that i intended, not a change that i want.... still trying to control it, but sometimes, the change is scary... i dun even know what am i doing, i dun even know what am i thinking... i think i really am going crazy.... my brain cells dun work the way i want them to now... my emotions are clouding my judgement... my emotions are working my logics.. i dun think i can really hold it much longer... really going crazy.... what am i suppose to do? how can i not think? i tried to, but it just come and come... then i started to do illogical things... then i become like a mad man... gosh... what happened to me? really feel like dying... want to end all this as fast as possible... i dun want to go crazy.... how? all these crap is just driving me to the end... do i have a choice? i think i do... but will i be able to endure it? i dun know... really dun know.... going crazy.......




what could be better then a glass of martell and a nice movie? lol guess today is time to watch some tv shows... nothing much to talk about today... just hope that my new directions work well for me... well, let time show the results... :)